Adventures With Arnie

Day 286: I think my readers will understand why I want to put the punchline at the head of the story once they've read the whole thing. This little jewel is Sparganium emersum, a species known to occur in the Park, but one without an herbarium specimen. Arnie found it, and wanted me to have a look to see if I agreed with how he'd keyed it out. I was planning to go as soon as I finished my office work on Tuesday, but then remembered that I was wearing my "dress" boots. I shot him an email to that effect, but as the day wore on, the idea of photographing a new (to me) species while it was in prime condition won out, and when I left the office, I went straight to Arnie and asked, "Wanna go for a ride?" We put together the necessary equipment for taking an herbarium specimen, grabbed a government vehicle and off we went. Both of us have now keyed the plant out and yes, it is Sparganium emersum.

Those of you who have been following my adventures this year will remember the discovery of the Phantom orchids and my radio call to Arnie which was broadcast over all receivers: "Arnie, Joe and I are kneeling beside two Phantoms." Most people had no idea what I meant by that, but it caught the ear of one Law Enforcement ranger (Kelly) who referred it to another plant-loving Parkie, Ana. She told him, "They must be referring to Phantom Orchids" and naturally, she became curious about where the Phantoms might be hiding. Kelly spoke with Arnie who gave nothing away, but neither did Arnie tell me about the exchange and how it further developed.

A few nights ago, a friend invited me out to Chinese at an excellent restaurant in the middle of nowhere. When we walked in, I heard someone call my name. Sure enough, it was Kelly, accompanied by Ana. As I walked over to them, he said without preamble, "Arnie said I should ask you about some phantoms." I checked up short. No way did I believe that Arnie would compromise our find. I groped for a reply and finally said, "No, you're not going to catch me with that old trick!" We had a good laugh, and then the rest of the story came out.

It seems that Arnie and Kelly got their heads together and had decided to play a little joke on me about proper radio protocol. Arnie told Kelly that the next time he saw me, he should take me to task for "improper use of code phrases." That revelation confirmed something I've suspected: Arnie is a wicked tease. Obviously, I was going to have to find a way to get the jump on him. But how?

When I got in the car to drive into work on Tuesday, I noticed something I'd left in the cup holder between the driver's and passenger's seats: a sprig of Spotted Knapweed (a virulent invasive) which I'd plucked in South Hill and had forgotten to take inside for analysis. I realized I had the perfect tool at my disposal.

Upon arriving in Longmire, I went immediately to Arnie's office with the Knapweed in hand. As soon as I had his full attention, I said, "Houston, we have a problem...Spotted, I think." Arnie took the plant from my hand and replied, "Spotted or Black, I'm not sure which. Where did you find it?" I was ready for the question. I said, "In the rip-rap on the levee below the Sunshine Point washout." "How many?" Arnie asked. "Three or four," I said, wanting to make it believable. We talked for some time about how it should be treated...chemicals were out because the site was on the river, pulling would be difficult because it was bedded in rip-rap and it had probably gone to seed several years in order to be so firmly established. Oh, yes, he swallowed the story hook, line, sinker and copy of 'Angling Times.'

Then I changed the subject. "Y'know, I ran into Kelly in Salkum a few nights ago. He greeted me by saying 'Arnie says I should ask you about some phantoms.'" I elaborated on how Kelly had tried to trip me up, and how I'd stopped him in his tracks. Then I said, "...and I understand you enlisted him to play a little joke on me about radio protocol. You're messin' with the wrong person. Paybacks are a mother. I've been known to send people down to the (non-existent) basement of the warehouse as a practical joke. And there's no Knapweed at Sunshine Point."

I said it so quickly that the ensuing silence lasted a full two minutes before he could wrap his head around the words. When it finally hit home, he threw the sprig of Knapweed in the trash and said, "Well, I guess I don't have to worry about that then, do I? You're a sneaky one!" So we had a good laugh, talked about his Sparganium find, and then went back to work.

The story now picks up at the top of this entry. Just before lunchtime, we were off to see Sparganium, me in my dress boots despite Arnie's clear warning that "the mud will suck you down unless you stay on logs." I thought I had good footing on a two-inch stick. I was wrong. The mud was so soft that I sunk in, stick and all, up to mid-shin with my right leg. The action threw me off balance and my left foot landed on gooey mud and also sank. As I shifted my weight to try to free myself from the suction, I just went deeper and deeper until I was finally mired up to the knees of both legs. The voice in the Sparganium said, "I did tell you it wasn't a good idea to go over there!" as he was maneuvering around on solid footing to capture my plight for posterity. It took me at least five minutes to extricate myself. I suppose I deserved getting stuck in the muck for being so wicked to Arnie! When he sent me the photos, he said, "Your boots need a polish."

Botany - it's not for sissies!